Why Good Relationships Go Bad

"The act of forgiveness is the act of returning to present time. And that's why when one has become a forgiving person, and has managed to let go of the past, what they've really done is they've shifted their relationship with time to the present moment. Only in the present moment can the expression of love and life manifest"

Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence, all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional. They may seem perfect for a while, such as when you are "in love," but invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction, and emotional or even physical violence occur with increasing frequency. It seems that most "love relationships" become love/hate relationships before long. Love can then turn into savage attack, feelings of hostility, or complete withdrawal of affection at the flick of a switch. This is considered normal.

The relationship then oscillates for a while, a few months or a few years, between the polarities of "love" and hate, and it gives you as much pleasure as it gives you pain. It is not uncommon for couples to become addicted to those cycles. Their drama makes them feel alive. When a balance between the positive/negative polarities is lost and the negative, destructive cycles occur with increasing frequency and intensity, which tends to happen sooner or later, then it will not be long before the relationship finally collapses.

It may appear that if you could only eliminate the negative or destructive cycles, then all would be well and the relationship would flower beautifully - but alas, this is not possible. The polarities are mutually dependent. You cannot have one without the other. The positive already contains within itself the as yet unmanifested negative. Both are in fact different aspects of the same dysfunction. I am speaking here of what is commonly called romantic relationships - not of true love, which has no opposite because it arises from beyond the mind.

Love as a continuous state is as yet very rare - as rare as conscious human beings. Brief and elusive glimpses of love, however, are possible whenever there is a gap in the stream of mind.

The negative side of a relationship is, of course, more easily recognizable as dysfunctional than the positive one. And it is also easier to recognize the source of negativity in your partner than to see it in yourself. It can manifest in many forms: possessiveness, jealousy, control, withdrawal and unspoken resentment, the need to be right, insensitivity and self-absorption, emotional demands and manipulation, the urge to argue, criticize, judge, blame, or attack, anger, unconscious revenge for past pain inflicted by a parent, rage and physical violence.

On the positive side, you are "in love" with your partner. This is at first a very satisfying state. You feel intensely alive. Your existence has suddenly become meaningful because someone needs you, wants you, and makes you feel special, and you do the same for him or her. When you are together, you feel whole. The feeling can become so intense that the rest of the world fades into insignificance.

However, you may also have noticed that there is a neediness and a clinging quality to that intensity. You become addicted to the other person. He or she acts on you like a drug. You are on a high when the drug is available, but even the possibility or the thought that he or she might no longer be there for you can lead to jealousy, possessiveness, attempts at manipulation through emotional blackmail, blaming and accusing, fear of loss. If the other person does leave you, this can give rise to the most intense hostility or the most profound grief and despair. In an instant, loving tenderness can turn into a savage attack or dreadful grief. Where is the love now? Can love change into its opposite in an instant? Was it love in the first place, or just an addictive grasping and clinging?

. . . If in your relationships you experience both "love" and the opposite of love - attack, emotional violence, and so on - then it is likely that you are confusing ego attachment and addictive clinging with love. You cannot love your partner one moment and attack him or her the next. True love has no opposite. If your "love" has as opposite, then it is not love but a strong ego-need for a more complete and deeper sense of self, a need that the other person temporarily meets. It is the ego's substitute for salvation, and for a short time it almost does feel like salvation.

But there comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain, and lack that are an intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but had been covered up by the "love relationship" now resurface. Just as with every other addiction, you are on a high when the drug is available, but invariably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for you. When those painful feelings reappear, you feel them even more strongly than before, and what is more, you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all the savage violence that is part of your pain. This attack may awaken the partner's own pain, and he or she may counter your attack. At this point, the ego is still unconsciously hoping that its attack or its attempts at manipulation will be sufficient punishment to induce your partner to change their behavior . . .

The reason why the romantic love relationship is such an intense and universally sought-after experience is that it seems to offer liberation from a deep-seated state of fear, need, lack, and incompleteness that is part of the human condition in its unredeemed and unenlightened state . . .

 - Eckhart Tolle

. . . and why does this happen?

Here's one possibility:

"When you feel hatred for someone, what is this impulse that leads you to pulverise him with a look or even to strike him?

And if you love someone tenderly, what is this impulse that moves you to smile at him, to speak sweetly to him and to bring him gifts?
Whether it is love or hate, it is always the same impulse: sometimes it manifests in the Venusian form and acts with delicacy, expressiveness, poetry, and gentleness, and sometimes it becomes Martian and can shatter everything in its path. Just observe how love which manifests in too low a form can transform into violence. The need to satisfy their desires makes men and women egotistical, cruel, and thoughtless where another is concerned. On the contrary, those who wish to manifest the higher degrees of love act with generosity and selflessness, and with consideration for the future of the person they love. And yet, in its origins, the impulse is the same."

- Omraam Mikheal Aivanhov

The Pain-Body

'Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now; and if the past cannot prevent you from being present now, what power does it have?'

Many stressful emotional patterns repeat themselves again and again.

These are more evident in relationships - for instance, a couple who love each other deeply, and yet have regular conflicts, often about the same things that they argued about decades ago.

Who is not touched by the impact of recurring times of sadness, anxiety, anger, or self-defeating behaviors?

There is an unseen force that causes us to unconsciously seek pain over and over again. Of course no one would do this consciously. No one likes to suffer. And yet we unconsciously create repetitive and unnecessary conflicts.

These self-destructive habit patterns are known as the Pain Body. It is a powerful unconscious force with great momentum. It’s purpose is to continue the pattern – to bring us pain.

Any negative emotion that is not fully faced and seen for what it is in the moment it arises does not completely dissolve. It leaves behind a remnant of pain...the remnants of pain left behind by every strong negative emotion that is not fully faced, accepted and then let go of join together to form an energy field that lives in the very cells of your body...the pain-body.

Any emotionally painful experience can be used as food by the pain-body. That's why it thrives on negative thinking as well as drama in relationships...once the (pain-body) has taken you over, not only do you not want an end to it, but you want to make others just as miserable as you are in order to feed on their negative emotional reactions.

A happy, positive thought is indigestible to the pain-body. It can only feed on negative thoughts because only those thoughts are compatible with its own energy field.

All things are vibrating energy fields in ceaseless motion...(things) appear solid and motionless only because that is how your senses perceive their vibrational frequency..thoughts consist of the same energy vibrating at a higher frequency than matter, which is why they cannot be seen or touched. Thoughts have their own range of frequencies, with negative thoughts at the lower end of the scale and positive thoughts at the higher. The vibrational frequency of the pain-body resonates with that of negative thoughts, which is why only those thoughts can feed the pain-body.

After it has replenished itself, it returns to its dormant stage, leaving behind a depleted organism and a body that is much more susceptible to illness. If that sounds to you like a psychic parasite, you are right. That's exactly what it is.

If there are other people around, preferably your partner or a close family member, the pain-body will attempt to provoke them - push their buttons - so it can feed on the ensuing drama. Pain-bodies love intimate relationships and families because that is where they get most of their food. It is hard to resist another person's pain-body that is determined to draw you into a reaction. Instinctively, it knows your weakest, most vulnerable points.

Some people carry dense pain-bodies that are never completely dormant...through their reactivity, relatively insignificant matters are blown up out of all proportion as they try to pull other people into their drama by getting them to react.

Even if blame seems more than justified, as long as you blame others, you keep feeding the pain-body with your thoughts and remain trapped in your ego.

There is only one perpetrator of evil on the planet: human unconsciousness. That realization is true forgiveness. With forgiveness, your victim identity dissolves, and your true power emerges - the power of Presence.

Essence of HAPPYNES

There are no isolated events or phenomenon in the universe. 

Nothing in this universe ever happens as a coincidence or just happens. Physics’ are now beginning to realize that there is a web of inter-connectedness which webs everyone & everything to the entire cosmos. It is all inter-connected to everything else. 

In Buddhism there had already been an awareness of this for hundreds of years. What may appear to us as an isolated event is in actual fact part of a greater totality. When something happens to us at one stage of our life, it has got an inter connectedness to another period or stage of our life. Buddhism also refers to this as Karma.

If this is difficult for u to understand - just be aware of where you are, at this stage of your life very present moment. Now recall what had happened (good or bad) in the past which had led you to be where you are now. If it’s a good place, then u would say thank God that happen otherwise I would not be where I am now. Or if you are experiencing an unpleasantness at this stage in your life, then you would say why did that have to happen to me. 
Either way something had happen in the past to bring about where you are now. 
The same way there are going to be events coming about in our life at this very moment which are going to direct us to be somewhere in the future, whether or not we are conscious or unconscious of them.

Yes you may say, i am here now because of the decisions I have made. Aren’t decisions a form of thought process? And thoughts which are recollections of u'r past emotions & experiences,are limited to only that. Thoughts can only use your stored references to project a future emotion. And the irony is we keep ending up experiencing the same emotion in the future because we keep using the same references. That's like using a faulty calculator to calculate an equation. No-matter where or when you calculate, you will get the same wrong answer.
Thoughts can only relate to the past and future. They exist on a psychological time scale.  You can be here this very moment in year 2011 but your thoughts can travel back any time period in the past and bring about the very emotion you felt then. It then can move into any period in the future & create an emotion to be felt there. Take a moment now to do that and realize that when the mind is doing that you are totally not aware of your self and where you are that very moment. You are not PRESENT in the NOW emotionally. And you are not even aware that your mind has taken over your very existence to do as it pleases. Hence we keep unconsciously listening to the chitty chatter of our thoughts recalling past memories of either joy or sadness or events or just plain distractions & projecting future events. It keeps traveling on this psychological time plane - back & forth.
Can you in reality go back to the past or be present in the future at this very moment? Hence the past & future cannot be real - the only place they can exist is in the MIND where they stay alive. The past & future is only an illusion. 

In the present moment however, the NOW, thoughts seem to cease to exist - they DIE. They cannot exist in the NOW. In the present moment, the NOW, only LIFE can come into being. And where there is LIFE, there can be no thoughts. Because LIFE, is being conscious that u exist and are present and you know that you know. You are a conscious competent self. You feel the breath in you. You feel a sense of aliveness in your senses. Your senses become present all of a sudden. You see things you have not seen before or hear things which you didn't earlier or become aware of things that you touch. It almost seem as if you are observing yourself. This is the sense of LIFE.

Where thoughts exists, you are not aware of your presence & are not aware that you are not aware. You become an unconscious incompetent self. Which in fact is where we spend almost 74% of our time.  We refer to that state as daydreaming or being on auto-pilot. Then all of a sudden we get jolted out of this unconscious state of illusion and we return to what is referred to as “reality” which is in actual fact - the present moment, the NOW. All of a sudden we become aware & experience our breathing, our body, our surroundings. At that very moment, we hear no chity chatter thoughts from the mind & we experience a sense of aliveness. And for that very moment we feel JOY, HAPPYNES and - PEACE OF MIND (the mind becomes silent - PEACE-ful)

Just by Being present and AWARE in the NOW had made u HAPPY. There was no physical action required just - Being aware of LIFE. 

The only way we can allow ourselves to experience this greater connectivity with the cosmos is simply by BEING IN ALIGNMENT and AWARE of the present moment which is the NOW.

This is the essence of Happynes.

Mind

MIND - the master power that molds & makes 


Happynes, negativity, joy, peace of mind...all these are emotions experienced by the body which originates from the mind. Emotions are an expression of thoughts. And thoughts are a product of the mind.

We feel happy because the mind interprets an event positively & begins to manufacture a stream of thoughts in line with that interpretation. The thoughts then sends a stream of electrical impulses through-out the physical body for it to release all the necessary stimulus required to manifest that stream of thoughts into action. This is when you start experiencing the actions referred to as Happy Actions - the smile, the bounce in ur walk the good words we say to others etc. We then say "I AM HAPPY". We never say body is happy or mind is happy, but we say "I AM HAPPY" or "I FEEL HAPPY". 
As the happy feeling began its journey in the mind, the "I" that we refer to is in actual fact - the MIND. Hence all emotions -  happynes, negativity, anger, joy, peace, calmness etc are all a manifestation of the MIND. 


This physical body which we have been so concerned and obsessed with is in actual fact just an instrument of the MIND. The body ony reacts to what the MIND wants it to do. It cannot act by itself. The MIND is the driver of this vehicle body


Question: - How much attention then have we given to understanding the MIND? What proportions of time, energy or consideration have we allocated up to this point in our life to the MIND as compared to the body? We keep making plans to work on this body - to loose weight, to look better, the make-up better, to smell better....all betterment things to the body but end up still feeling Unhappy and being no better off than the day we made those plans. This is because the command center for the body is located in the MIND & any action required needs to be sent through the MIND. 
But have we understood or found how to access the MIND. We have unknowingly relinquishing absolute control of this body to the MIND by letting it do what it pleases with the body. Hence we end up being UNHAPPY cos we "feel" we hadn't gotten out of life what we desire. We desire to loose weight but still weigh the same or more. We desire more quality time in our life but still overwork our-self, we desire to be more spiritual but don't do much about it, we desire loving & caring relationships but don't put the required effort ...etc etc. Our desire (wish) list keeps getting longer & longer as time goes and we keep getting more & more unhappy with our life situation.


Now this is interesting because although the MIND is the "I" but we still have this 2nd feeling telling us we are not happy with the actions of the MIND. What is this 2nd feeling? Where is that coming from? Is there another part of of the "I" that till now i knew nothing of? Why is there suddenly an awareness of an internal conflict - we'll explore that in the journey on ESSENCE.

Negativity

HAPPYNES - THE ABSENCE of ALL NEGATIVE EMOTIONS   - Dennis Kimbro        
                                              
By definition, this is what Dr.Dennis Kimbro told me when asked what Happynes is. 
But It's taken me almost a decade to even begin understanding the depth of what he meant. 
Just as how we've been pursuing Happynes but not knowing what it really is or where it resides or how to bring it into being, i thought if only i could eliminate all negative things or people in my life then i would be happy. I went on a crusade against negativity like it was an enemy. Did i succeed? I had experienced occasional happynes but never LASTING HAPPYNES, which was what i hoped to gain. WHY?
Simply because HOW DO I ELIMINATE AN ENEMY WHEN I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT FORM IT TAKES OR WHERE IT RESIDES! Shooting randomly i might once in a while hit it, but then i  miss more often than i hit (the occasional happynes) 


Once again (just like happynes) i was pursuing an illusion which was a figment of my conscious mis-interpretation of what NEGATIVITY is. Simply meaning - i was pursuing something that i did not understand or had the awareness to understand.

What then is NEGATIVITY? Where does it come from? Where does it reside? Why does it affect us so much? And mostly, why was i so caught up in eliminating it? If its so bad, why does it exist in the first place?


We so often hear or say - negativity is all around us- this person or that person is so negative or the environment is so negative. For a conscious moment, when we reflect back on that statement, are we really able to specifically identify where or what this negativity is in perspective? For instance, the environment - is nature negative? Are the trees, flowers, animals negative?


What about People - Initially the negativity was felt only when there were certain type of people around. Moving away from those type of people seemed to reduce the negative feeling. Hence it had to be PEOPLE i thought. People had to be the carriers of the Negativity Bug. 
But we're surrounded by people wherever we are but are all people naturally negative? It must be something that's being done or said by someone that was being perceived as being negative. So its a particular action then! Is negativity an action? 
At least one thing - i managed to relate negativity to PEOPLE rather than nature. 
The next realization was - I too am part of the clan i call PEOPLE. Therefore i too must be a carrier of the Negativity Bug then!


Nature in essence JUST IS. Its neither positive nor negative. Nature is always in a constant state of BALANCE hence in a constant state of calmness - until of course there's human intervention. Isn't that the reason we run away for NATURE holidays with the hope of experiencing PEACE OF MIND or to CALM DOWN? Getting away from PEOPLE! We go to these nature holidays but get back to our daily life and start feeling the same again. Why? What happen?


Why does my daily life keep experiencing negativity & un-happynes? 


These were some the questions i seek to gain awareness  on, on this journey. 

The illusive pursuit of Happynes

IN PURSUIT OF HAPPYNES


HAPPYNES - what is this thing called Happynes which we have become so obsessed with as a means to an end but have yet to experience at the level we wish to. In an age where we have become wealthier & more knowledgeable, it seems more and more people are seeking it as if it has suddenly gone missing. We seem to devote every waking & breathing moment of our conscious life in pursuit of this emotion. 
However, do we REALLY know or understand what HAPPYNES is or the means through which it can be TRULY experienced?
The silly thing is, haven't we been trying to seek it as a GOAL for almost as long as we can remember. Seeking it as a GOAL as if it were something we could achieve if we worked hard at! 
The irony is - this very thing called "HAPPYNES" , do we actually know what it is or feels like or looks like (no, really do we?). 
If u do not recognize what you are seeking then how do you acknowledge it when it appears in your life. It could be something you may have already attained but are just not aware of. That's like going on a blind date  or more like you trying to hit the bulls-eye in the dark with your eyes closed with a bow & arrow & u're not even an archer.


However, we have been very busy DOING a whole lot of things towards achieving   Happynes. It almost seems like its attainable by DOING something and dictated by some EXTERNAL circumstance.
WE SAY - i will be happy if i get that job or i will happy if i had that car or house or i would be happy if only my partner did this or that or behaved in a certain way or if only that person didn't do this or that to me then i could be happy etc etc...
In a nutshell - something had to happen or you had to do something for you to be happy.


But if that were true then we should all already be HAPPY cos we have been DOING a whole lot of things & ACHIEVING a whole lot of success in our life. But why then are we still feelling this sense of lack of HAPPYNES?


This is a LIFE AWARENESS journey into the subconscious and it is a conscious journey. Although being around for more than three decades, the greater realization that there has to be more to being simply present in this life-form and been given this gift of life, still eludes me. This realization alone has been one great awareness. The hope of this journey is that by the time i understand LIFE i would have lived it & fulfilled my God given purpose for occupying this space on planet earth. I wish to share this journey & together make this OUR journey and help make a difference in our existence. God Bless.